I realized last night that I have never really had any idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I've given a lot of things a shot. House painting, decorative painting, personal assistant, dog walker, retail, waitressing, scenic painting. I've had vague notions of wanting to be an artist, however, I am to practical a person to be 'an artist'. I will always be an artist. I will always make work(because I must!), have a studio space, but to be an artist for a living?
I made my living for a year as a decorative painters assistant. That was the closest I've ever come to really being a 'professional artist'. And I was. I was really quite good at what I did, and I did it with a lot of love and professionalism. But I didn't get enough time to see it through. After only a year, and a quick year, I was laid off. I can't break off on my own with the knowledge I have. I needed more time. And those jobs don't just fall out of the sky. It was a fluke that I got it in the first place, and that my boss was willing to take a chance on me.
I've thought about teaching for a living. I've also thought about sitting in the park and making balloon animals and selling them for $1 a piece. I even bought the balloons and the air pump. But you know what? I don't know how to make balloon animals. And I don't know how to teach either.
Which brings me to a question I've been asking myself a lot lately...What exactly did I go to school for? I seriously don't know how to do anything. I can make a painting. I can do a little bit of screen printing. I can sit in a crit and talk about art work. I have a fairly solid understanding of art history. I can write a good paper. But what did I learn how to do? I'm thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, and I am not qualified to do a damn thing.
But you know what I can do? I can make one helluva chocolate peanut butter cupcake.
First off, those cupcakes look amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing! I've recently discovered these peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies in the cafe at my work and they are positively addicting. And I'm not even really a big peanut butter guy, but damn! But I digress.
ReplyDeleteThe main purpose of my comment is to inform you that you are going through the motions of being in your mid-twenties. Even though I did not take the same path as most, I have witnessed many a friend and a sibling go to school, only to come out the other side in debt and with no idea what they want to do. And as someone who has been going through this for the better part of my twenties, every thirty-something, forty-something and fifty-something with whom I have discussed my lack of direction, has said quipped how most people rarely do figure out what it is they really want to do/be.
So try not to stress, man. It is early and there is plenty of time. I'm 27 and don't even have a Bachelor's degree, but I still believe that good things will happen to me. That may not inspire confidence, but getting down on yourself doesn't either.
I know you will find something that makes you happy, no matter how long it takes.
Cue cheesy music...
Hello Love,
ReplyDeleteHaving been basically unemployed last year and being an "art" person I feel your pain. I spent most of last year, including Christmas, freaking out about my future. Yes I have a teaching degree, but it is to teach art which is super competitive (the last job i applied to had over 750 applicants...that's crazy). So not only did I have to deal with the sting of being unemployed but the sting of being rejected over and over again. I have been where you are. It's stressful and full of anxiety but you know what...it gets better.
Here is my tip: Honestly do anything related to what you love and you'll never know. I know your not interested in working in a museum or gallery but you'd be amazing how at least being surrounded by art can effect you I interned in a museum while not working, that's right they didn't pay me but I really learned a lot and really enjoyed being in a creative setting. It completely opened me up to working in that environment. So don't be closed off to that. Hell I eventually got a job a Michael's as a framer (you may start making fun of me haha) but you know what it ended up being creative then I thought and I learned a whole new set of skills. Sooo final thought: Don't close yourself off to anything and Don't give up. It gets better, promise.
Hell if your good at writing, understand art and are creative - become a grant writer for a gallery or museum - they always need them and no one ever wants to take that on.
If you need to vent ever I'll lend an ear. As a fellow artist at heart I understand your frustrations.
Your Long Lost High school Friend
Devin : )
Devin,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words, its reassuring to hear from someone who at this very moment I look at as someone who, at least on the outside, looks like they have their shit together. I'm having a hard time, so I've reached out to the masses, its not meant to be a woes me type of thing, just a sort of 'hey do you know that this is like? help!' kind of thing. I'm used to being an over achiever. Someone who knows what they want and how to get it, and I just feel like I've lost that. I'm very insecure these days, about things I've never had to think twice about. Back when I was just a young chick (you were there!) I really just thought I was the shit. I thought I was going to do something big and interesting with myself, and I just don't even know where to begin anymore.
But that doesn't mean I'm hopeless!
I'll be okay, I know I will.
But you, hot damn girl friend. Besides looking awesome (and you do, fo'reals), it appears that you're also doing very well for yourself. I'm truly very happy for you. I know I probably made a fool of myself the other night, being all drunky and gushy and stuff, but I really think its awesome that you're back at huntington high teaching art. It's such a wonderful opportunity and it's great that you got it, congrats my dear.
Thanks for reading my rants ; )
Your Reconnected Long Lost High School Friend
Hayley