25 days till Xmas used to mean something overwhelmingly gratifying to me. It was a day I looked forward to, even counted down to. A day when the impossible happened…when my parents would give me things that I wanted but did not need. And while Xmas meant free presents for me, I always knew that it(Xmas) never actually meant anything. From an early age I knew Santa was bullshit. I'm the confused product of two people who could careless about properly educating their kids about religion - an Irish father who once locked himself in the bathroom with a baby me to baptize me as my new-agey-Jewish mother hollered on the other side for him to cut it out. You really think I actually believe in anything?
And as I got older I began to understand a few things about Xmas, the darker side of Xmas if you will. Xmas meant my parents were likely fighting over who was going to pay for the presents. And/or they were scrounging to make it happen in the first place. One year my mother spelled out to me how much could be spent per child on Xmas. I felt guilty. Having worked for both of them, I know what my parents have to do, how long they have to wait, or how hard they have to work, to make what they make. And I also know that December is the WORST MONTH OF THE YEAR for both of my parents' small businesses. Why did I need "presents"? Presents for what? I've done my best, in my few years of having my own money, to lavish my family in gifts. And by 'lavish' I mean I've filled my mom's stocking to the brim with lip gloss and her favorite chocolates, maybe a pair of pajamas and the occasional home run gift…like last year I bought my parents a web cam so that we could Skype(How thoughtful of me!). I know I won't top it this year. And what the hell are you supposed to get Dads anyway? Dads don't like 'things'. They strictly want expensive high-def flatscreen TVs and saving money on the heating bill. I moved out, wasn't that enough??
Now don't get me wrong. I know I sound like a big scroogette. And you know what? Maybe I am. Maybe I freaking hate the shit out of Xmas. But you know what I do love? Thanksgiving. A day when my family is completely devoted to being together(whether we want to or not), we make way more food that we're going to eat, drink way more than we need to, there's occasionally crying involved, and we usually go to bed early, full and content. Or full of contempt. Depends on the year. Regardless, I really do look forward to Thanksgiving. It brings us together with family members we don't see to often, and friends of the family that I don't see often enough. And whats better than the night before Thanksgiving? (Probably a lot of things, but I still like getting wasted and telling people I haven't seen in a while lies about my life. Because when I said I was doing great, I was fucking joking.)
So anyway, back to 25 days till Xmas. I'm beginning this blog because I learned something very special about Xmas day today. On Xmas day, my unemployment benefits will run up. Today, the big guys in Washington decided not to extend unemployment benefits in 2011. It's just to expensive. So on Xmas day, I will receive my very last benefit check. But seriously, how awesome of a Xmas present is that? Bring on the presents!
Now I don't want it to seem like I'm hating Xmas for the hell of it. I dislike it for its stress inducing expectations that everyones going to get what they want and its all going to be okay. I'm already okay. I have what I need. I have a feeling you have what you need, too. Can't we just celebrate Thanksgiving again? Why do we always need things??!?
I also found out today that I did not get a job that I was really hoping for. Probably the first job I had actually applied for that I really, truly wanted. A job that I would have really liked. It was one of the only hopeful things I've had to think about for the past week, I really thought I had it. But these things happen(or don't happen?) for a reason, right?
I've decided to keep a blog about this. My last twenty five days in the societal safety net that is Unemployment Insurance, while simultaneously counting down to my most favorite day, Xmas. I need somewhere that I can vent my frustration over my completely useless and very expensive degree. Perhaps in the next week I'll have good news that I've found a job. Or that I've had an epiphany and I am pursuing a new career. Or maybe I'll just post about a painting I'm working on, something interesting that I hear about on NPR, this awesome sandwich that I made, or maybe I'll just post about my dreams, which are getting stranger and stranger, because I'm going insane. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find my Xmas spirit along the way.
Till tomorrow…
