Its here

1 hour and 21 minutes into Xmas.

Its been a few days since I've complained about Xmas.

I had a bit of a break down a few days ago. I realized that through all of my kermudgeonry, I wasn't doing anyone a favor, myself included.

I started to panic a couple of days ago and feared that I was being a bratty, inconsiderate, selfish person for hating Xmas and exuding my negative hate feelings toward Xmas all over the place. And for a moment, I really thought myself the worst person alive.

You know you're being a dick about Xmas when you walk into a room and someone you haven't seen in a while takes a quick look at you and goes 'bahhhhhumbug."

And I realize this is the message I send to people, so I don't know why I'm surprised.

I truly want people to believe I think highly of Xmas. For the past week I haven't been able to keep myself from wishing others a Merry Xmas or Happy Holidays, every freaking cashier I go to, I wish them a happy holidays before giving the chance to wish me one. I sent out Xmas cards, come on!

So I'm going to stop, stop being overly fresh and negative over Xmas, and I decided this a couple of days ago, so don't think I'm too far behind the game. I'm going to enjoy these next couple of days...some how...some way.

One of my most favorite lines of Xmas that I've heard in the past few days was a line said by Jane Lynch from Glee, in a scene in which she plays the Xmas villain, she claims, in her devilish tone, "I may hate Xmas, but I love presents..." as she steals the presents from what ever disenfranchised group she's battling and exits scene....

I'm not going to pretend that I watch Glee, I didn't actually see this show, but I heard the clip on some other TV show, and it just cracked me up. Thats the villain version of me! Because for as much as I've hated Xmas, I love gifts, I do! I'm the Xmas asshole!

And I LOVED exchanging gifts with my BF and her mom last night. I've been very strict about only giving out handmade things this year, and so far, so good, everyone seems happy with what they've got so lets see how the rest of Xmas goes. And otherwise, I've gotten some great things in return, no doubt!

So whatever, giving getting blah blah blah...

...who even cares. This has been a very hard Xmas for me. I'm jobless, I'm a bit hopeless, I'm absolutely freaking out, and for the first time ever in my entire life, I'm not going to be waking up at my parents house on the morning of Xmas. I'm entering whole new territory here. I'm not coming down the stairs. I'm not going to bed early in anxious anticipation for the day to come. I'm not drinking mamosa's and eating pillsbury crescent roles with my family(its tradition). And I'm not going with them to the movies tomorrow either. Its the one thing we've always done and really enjoyed together ('enjoyed' can be substituted for 'tolerated' and 'endured' here, but for the past few years we've done okay). Tonight, although very fun in its own way, was nothing like any other Xmas eve I've ever had. I'm having a hard time accepting its Xmas, to be honest.

But I know its Xmas, come on. I've done so many Xmasy things over the past couple days its absurd. I've been busy in fact, with Xmasy things. Xmas partys, Xmas cards, Xmas ornament crafting, decorating Xmas trees, making Xmas cupcakes, wrapping Xmas presents, making Xmas presents, making my Xmas casserole, opening Xmas cards, writing on my Xmas blog. I've never done more Xmas shit in my life! Xmas. Xmas. Xmas. Its every where I look.

So here it is.

Merry Xmas, you.

3 Days Till Xmas

10 Things I Have Learned

Over the Past Month

1. Finding a job around Xmas is impossible.

This is so freaking obvious that I'm kind of embarrassed to be starting with it, but its the truth!

I've never been in the position of having to look for a job this time of year, so I had no idea. When you're already out of your mind over not being able to find a job for as long as I have, you begin to lose sight of what is really up against you. The problem is that there is the illusion that there are all these jobs available right now, but my problem is that I am neither 17 or a crackhead, so that seasonal position at KB toys wont really work out for me.

2. Supermarkets are run by teenagers.

What in the hell is going on here? I accidentally found myself in a Market Basket on a Sunday just recently, and after being ignored by several of the staff, misdirected in my search for molasses by another, nearly mowed down by a child in a uniform pushing a flat bed cart full of cookies on my way to the checkout, only to be called "ma'am" by a mouth full of braces at the register, it all became painfully clear. Supermarkets are run by kids. The implications of this are horrifying and disgusting and I am just grateful that I do not eat things that come from behind the deli counter.

3. I actually rather enjoy baking cupcakes.

Evidence is that I am broke as hell but was still able to convince myself that I needed to buy the fancy tip set for decorating. A side note to this:

4. I think I'm officially an adult because I can make the cupcake batter and the frosting without eating the equivalent of three cupcakes before the batter hits the pan and the frosting has been piped. Furthermore, I was able to throw out the left over frosting, instead of convincing myself that it was worthy of being saved so it could be had as a snack later on that night.

5. I honestly have no idea what kind of job I'm looking for.

I've belabored this point too many times on this blog to get into the depressing details of it now, but it needed to be said.

6. Being unemployed and looking for work is a full time job.

If you've ever been in this position, you know what I'm talking about. If you're out of the loop, I'm going to just leave you there, you privileged jerk.

7. The average housewife can kick my ass.

One of the upsides to this whole unemployment thing is all the time I now have to go to the gym - who knew I'd love spin so much? I did a body conditioning class last week, and I've assumed that because I work out as often as I do, I'm therefore in terrific shape. Not so, because as it turns out I've been living in a fools paradise my friends. For an hour last Thursday, I gasped, throbbed, buckled and shook with fear as I lunged, curled and squatted my muscles into submission, while all the other ladies(moms!) were gliding, smiling and bouncing around to the beat. I felt great in the end, but holy shit did I look like a chump.

8. Scramble for iPhone is powerfully addicting.

Just saying.

9. The Talk is an awful show, and a terrible, terrible reflection on women. Sometimes while I dine on lunch I'll switch gears from out of my studio/dungeon and into the living room/dungeon to indulge in a little bit of the boob, and I'll admit I have watched small bits of The Talk. I'm mostly interested in seeing what it's all about because it's such a blatant rip off (or "answer to" if you want to be nice) of The View, of which I am very much a huge fan. The View is funny. It has very good, quality guests. One of the hosts is easily the most amazing lady in journalism, and another is one of the most prolific women in show business, and at any rate, all of them are intelligent and funny in their own right. What the hell does The Talk have? Scientologist-crazy-pants Leah Remini? Who-ever-the-hell-some-basketball-players wife? And I don't even care that Sarah Gilbert is a lesbian, she is BORING. A show for moms by moms! BORING! They are whiney about the mundane, but they are not funny when they do it. When you break it down, all these woman talk about is how they've spoiled their children and don't know how to undo it, how its okay (and their RIGHT!) to look at their husbands texts messages, rule their mens lives, and how the only 'them-time that their men are allowed' is the thoughts they have in between their ears. "Yeah, I guess thats okay" was Leah Remini's thoughts on that last statement, I guess in admitting defeat over her hopes to dominate other peoples thoughts. These women are terrible. They do not reflect well what I believe and hope most modern women are about. Not even Joan Osbourne has the power to lift this show up from the dregs that it has deposited itself into. I want this show to fail and I want it to fail bad. Come on ladies, please stop watching this show, please? I won't do it again either, I promise.

10. In spite of how much I bitch and hate my current situation, I do not regret a thing about any of the decisions I've made that have put me in this place.

I mull over the 'what-ifs' every once in a while. What if I went to school for something different? Or if I had worked a little harder and had gotten into the college that I actually wanted to go to? Or if I had done the smart thing and had moved home after school to save money...honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.

Everything I've done has put me in this spot, and while sometimes it sucks, a lot of the time, I'm really happy with my life. I've always believed that the people you surround yourself with are going to be a lot more important to you in the long run than any career you could have had. And while its very much important for me to find a job that I like, I'm already really ahead of the game because I've found a lot of good people in this world that I'm in. From Huntington Long Island to the fine suburb of North Reading Massachusetts, I've found a lot of wonderful friends along the way. I'm with a man that I'm crazy about, I have a family that is beyond compare, and an extended family of friends that I hold onto dearly. Jobs will come and go, and this is probably not going to be the last time I'm going to be unemployed in my life, but the support and the folks I have will never change (I hope! I'm really trying hard to not do that thing where I drink till I blackout and embarrass everyone in the room any more, I swear! thats the old me!).

And as explicit and uncomfortable as it is sometimes to say these fears I have out loud, it does help to talk to people about it, and I'm so grateful that people have been listening. At holiday party #2 this weekend, a friend(whose 'been there') kindly sat with me throughout the loud chaos of the party and talked me down from my ledge and I think convinced me that things will be okay, and I think I actually do believe her.

10 1/2. I think I'm going to be just fine.

At least until I decide otherwise tomorrow.

Anyone learn anything good this year?

4 Days Till Xmas

Like I said in my last post, I had (in spite of myself) a very good time at a holiday party. Several in fact...kind of to hung over to enjoy the third one, but I refuse to think about the future when I drink.

Our hostess with the mostess did a really impressive job of utilizing space, I had serious doubts that we would all fit so seamlessly around a table in her kitchen, but behold, she even trusted us with real silverware. The candles were a lovely touch.

How awesome is that gingerbread house? The only ginger bread house I ever made was in the middle of summer at Camp Alvernia during a thunderstorm(that is weird, right?), and it looked absolutely nothing like that. Kudos to Lisa. And the cake was fab, thanks Lauren for making it vegan

: )

We played a very high stakes holiday game. It involved chocolate so I was out for blood. I did not win.

And then "All I Want For Xmas is You" came on by Mariah Carey and I lost my shit. But so did a couple of other people so I was able to share the embarrassment with several others. I don't just pull out the big voice for anything, and I certainly almost never do it in public, but this was for Mariah. And I had a lot of holiday punch floating around inside of me, I can't be trusted around songs that I know the lyrics to when I'm in that state.

My friends make me feel fuzzy inside. Sometimes they make me look fuzzy, too.

So yes, I'll admit it....it kind of lifted my Xmas spirit, but the moment was fleeting. By the next day I hated it(Xmas) all over again, and I'm only now feeling the residual effects of happy Xmasness again as a result of looking back at the photos. It did me some good, if only for a night. If only we could do that again over and over till the actual day, I'd be okay this week. But my friend threw an awesome party, and a room filled my favorite people is never ever a bad thing, no matter what the reason is for bringing us together.

4 more days left, I feel like this post is kind of disappointing, I've had nothing really terrible to say about Xmas. I'll just leave it with these pictures of a really awful gifts for little girls. I'm so grateful to not be a child this year.

5 More Days Till Xmas

With only five days left until Xmas, it is hard to ignore the fact that Xmas is actually going to happen. In the past two days I've been to three holiday parties (all within 24 hours no less, yeah I feel just great right now), at which I had many a conversation with people talking about the trials and tribulations of gift shopping.

You bunch of sad sorry suckers.

I'm going to get through this by being very open about the fact that I am not going to participate in the consumer end of this holiday, in hopes that by avoiding that stress I will actually enjoy it. Don't get wrong, I do in fact have 'things' that I will be handing over to a select few, good old, home made things. Take'em or leave'em people, its all I got. And while all you delusional holiday freaks are out there waiting on lines that circle the store, putting your life on the line in hysterical crowded stampedes at the mall, and fashionably going broke with every swift swipe of your credit and debit cards, I'll be sitting here eating bon bons.

Alright so I'm going to just come out right now and say that I am definitely not sitting around eating bon bons. I'm not even really sure what bon bons are. But I am definitely dedicated to not going crazy this year. I'm just not going to do it, and I don't care how it comes off.

Hayley 1, Xmas 0

But you know what really rocked this weekend? Holiday parties. Good job people, good times.

7 More Days Till Xmas

7 more days.

When I began this I was certain that unemployment would run up in conjunction with Xmas. While I'm relieved to have been allotted an extension on my miserable unemployed existence, I also really thought that by now, maybe I'd be reporting that I have a job.

The thing about this whole unemployment thing is not so much about money as it just is about a feeling of usefulness. Spoons are more useful than I am. Spoons have a purpose. I wish I was a spoon.

I change my mind on my plans for the future at least three times a day. I no longer announce my big ideas to people, because I know it will just change in a day or so anyway, if not even sooner.

And its really, really hard to give a shit about Xmas when I feel this way. For the past few years I've been harboring this ill will toward Xmas. And I've put on the mean face, I've sworn it off, to hell with it! But you know what? I'd still be in the thick of it with everyone else in December, at least as a consumer, and come the big day, I'd be into it. I did a first for myself this year which was to send out Xmas cards, but they're so anti Xmas that I almost feel bad for having sent them(but actually, I think they're adorable and if you can't appreciate a little bit of holiday sarcasm than we probably shouldn't be friends). So I hope people can handle the sentiment. I'm just having a hard time getting into the spirit. And I've never noticed as much as I have this year that other people REALLY like Xmas. Everyone really likes Xmas. I'm just the black sheep of Xmas I guess.

I am, however, very excited for the cluster of holiday parties I have coming up in the next two days. One of which features some of my life time buds, my girls, and there is nothing more cathartic for me than to see them and be with them, even if only in short bursts a handful of times a year. I like weekends, they treat me well. When all else fails, at least I have my people. Its the thing about the holidays that I will surrender to loving, it brings us all together.

I am the black sheep of Xmas time.

9 Days Till Xmas

Ughhh.

So I thought I had this job.

And I did. I like, actually, for a couple of days, had a job....a real, live job.

But now, officially, decidedly as of a couple of hours ago...I've let it go.

Just listen.....

A week ago I met with the very nice folks at Knit & Needle Point on Newbury Street in Boston. This is like totes my thing...it's a place that is run by this sweet middle aged lady, Mary Jo, and her friend, or her sister, maybe her cuz or her twin for all I know, Joan. They're really nice ladies, they talk absurdly loud (borderline screaming), they're excitable, very rambunctious kinda gals. Totally my kind of women! Anyway...I went in there, after a bit of emailing and applied for the artist position. For all of you not-so-versed in needle point..what happens when you get a needle point kit is they hand you all of your threads in various colors, along with a piece of mesh that is hand painted with a design that you sew your threads into to make your needle point piece. Where I come into play is that I would be the one painting said designs onto the mesh, got me? So I'm thinking: KILLER!!! I can paint like the day is long, this is terrific, fantastic work for Ms. Hays to be doing, I'm gonna kill it! And I did, because I got the job.

The first time I went in there, they handed me a lil sample of a snowman, it was a xerox piece of paper of a mesh with a design on it, so they gave me an actual piece of mesh and wanted me to copy the design on, in the appropriate colors, to give back to them, to show them what I'm made of. And I did it *perfectly* and handed it back to them. Now, this lil snow man took me roughly an hour and twenty minutes to complete. And while doing it, I'm thinking about what this kit actually costs and what they could possibly afford to pay an artist to do it...and I began to get.....nervous.

So I go in the next day and hand it to Mary Jo. She's like, totes impressed, as she should be, cause it was *perfect*. Something that needs to be explained: think about a very fine piece of mesh, now think about every square needing to be painted the exact color, down to a count, so that it can be executed by a very non creative individual that needs a very precise thing to follow (And I say this as someone who grew up doing cross stitch, which is a very non-creative art form, which I loved, because I'm a freak that enjoys doing tedious, sometimes non thoughtful things with her hands....).

She tells me that its fab, and asks me to come back on Monday. I get a call the next day on Friday, from her husband who runs the store with her. He says that they're very impressed, would like to hire me for the artist position, and that I should come in for a meeting on Tuesday with Mary Jo and Joan so I can talk about some projects. Being the inquisitive, perhaps rude gal that I am, I immediately question about compensation. He tells that will all be addressed at the meeting. So I wonder....

Now everyone who I ask about the compensation issue tells me to go in with a compensation price that I expect/desire. But I know better...see I have enough sense to understand that these kits are sold at a very specific price, and that therefore there will be a very set scale at which they are willing to pay their artists to complete each project. I do not go in with any expectations, only an understanding of what they say goes...so I ready myself. Now I also reasoned with myself all weekend, knowing that they would probably not pay me well for the piece I had completed the other day in an hour and twenty minutes...but hell, if I got to, I will learn how to do it quickly, and before I know it, I'll be pumping these things out and I'l be making money hand over fist (I didn't really believe this, but I often tell myself a lot of things that I never actually truly believe...call it denial...what ever)

So the big day comes, Tuesday morning, I have a 9:30 meeting. (and if you've ever been on unemployment, you know that getting an actual interview or any kind of meeting is a big freaking deal from a potential employer).The first sign that this was not going to work out should have been my car not starting. I've never had this happen to me. I got my car (not new, but in very good shape) a lil less than 2 months ago. And its not starting? Even my car knew that this job was bullshit and it was trying to persuade my otherwise. Fortunately my boyfriend had taken a few days off, so I had the back up Taurus on my side. So we sailed into Boston we did, and found a parking spot right outside!

I go in. Now, these ladies, which I will still say, no matter what the outcome of this harried situation, I like ALOT. They're kinda cartoon characters. They talk very loud. Their lives are about a completely non essential crafting hobby. I just think they're sweet. I want to make them cup cakes as I go in and let them down that I'm not going to take the job.

Mary Jo gives me the skinny on the pay scale. It kind of sucks but she explains that when she gives me an ornament that she will only pay me $8 to paint, that she will be asking me to paint 10 of them, so at least its a decent work load (so think $80 for all ten of them...meh?). But this time, she's going to give me 7 different little projects to work on, ranging from $8 to $28, just to see what I'm made of, and to return them on Thursday afternoon before she leaves for a two week vacation. And I'm just like...okay................She also mentions that if I learn to knit, I can work in the shop two days a week...the deal is sounding sweeter? I don't know, maybe they were like pumping pure oxygen into this place or something. It all sounded okay while I was in there.

So after a lot of explanations about what is expected out of the individual pieces and what they need from me, I leave with a shopping bag full of embroidery floss (for color matching) and rolls of mesh to work with to complete my projects.

I don't quite settle into my work until about mid afternoon. I became derailed with Xmas cards and the like (I know, I cannot believe I'm sending out Xmas cards either, but they're hand designed!). Any who, by the time I'm ready to hit the gym and do my own shit for the day, I've only completed one design, and it was by far the most easiest design to do. Along the way I find a few short cuts to make the next design a little bit easier to lay out, but still, there were several hours involved in making this happen. For ten fuckin bucks!

Disgruntled, I go on to have many hard drinks that evening at the Mexican restaurant that my man decided to take me out to that night. God bless Adam.

I get home, spend two plus more hours of my life working on and completing a ten dollar project. This still feels like its not quite panning out.

Not quite completely discourage, I jump back exuberantly on the horse again today, I mean come on, I have a job to do! But this is where I broke people. This is where it all became crystal fucking clear. This job, is bogus.

I spent three hours today. Three very frustrating, annoyed hours, trying to complete a twelve dollar project. I messed up three times. The first one, I was nearly forty minutes into. The second one, probably about thirty minutes into. You can't mess up on these things. There is no erasing, just doing over completely. So I had to keep starting over. And when it was completed, three hours later, it didn't even completely resemble the original design that was handed to me. That was when the shit hit the fan. When I walked out into the living room from my room to tell Adam that the movie he was watching (that I had to listen to through the walls) was a fucking waste of time, I gave him the evil eye. I gave myself the evil eye. I was ready to give any motherfucker that crossed my path the dirtiest damn look I could. I was ready to shave my own freaking head cause I was mad at my hair cut.

This is when I realized that this job was not such a hot idea. And after much consulting with some very wise ladies this evening, my momma and my Aims included, I've decided that tomorrow I will decline the offer...before I get in to deep.

So there goes that idea. Back to the drawing board.

Oh, and nine more glorious fucking days till Xmas. I can't fucking wait.

11 Days Till Xmas

I must admit that I kind of felt like a big nerd immediately after writing this on the back of my car.

But when we arrived to the barn the very lovely Ramble volunteers squealed when they saw that written on the back of my car. They thought it was the balls!

This was my second Midnight Ramble. My first one being in May of this year, was on Levon's 70th birthday. Members of our group have dubbed the Midnight Ramble "Church", which is a very accurate description of the experience. While watching the opening act, The Wood Brothers, I turned to a stranger behind me, and I can't remember what it was that got us talking, but when I asked him if this was his first time, he told me no, and then remarked how amazing his first time was, and that it was (in his own words) like going to church. I'm not a church kinda girl, but the Ramble is definitely church. The barn is set up so that you can have an in the round view of the performers. It is warm and only well lit around the designated stage area, on the ground floor, in the very heart of the barn. A few volunteers in yellow shirts are situated around the perimeters, near the doors of the barn. The informal atmosphere of this place is what makes it so alluring to the fans of this kind of music, being there makes you feel privy to the inside of what seems like a very exclusive club.

There was a very disappointing catch to this Ramble. Before the Wood Brothers began their opening set, it was announced that Levon would not be performing that night. Levon's a sick man. A survivor of throat cancer, with COPD and emphysema, it's really kind of unbelievable that he gets up on stage as often as he does. Explaining that he was in the hospital, they had offered to refund tickets to those who wanted to leave, but we weren't going anywhere. I knew that either way we were in for an amazing performance.

Theres something that needs to be understood about the caliber of musicians that play at the Ramble...these are seasoned veterans of music. While Levon Helm is the person that brings them all together in that place, he is not the only force in that room when they play. It is an incredible collaboration of very talented individuals that make the Ramble what it is. I noticed that a lot of my friends, especially the ones who had never been there before, were notably disappointed at the situation, and I don't blame them. Levon is the heartbeat of the ramble. He is the big draw, the reason why you come all the way out there and pay the big price on the ticket. And with a build up of several months thinking that you're going to see Levon Helm, I can understand the upset. But I am willing to go out and say that I think that his show was even better than the show I saw last May.

Levon may not have been in the barn that night, but his spirit was felt and heard, loud and clear. Certain people have the unique power of inhabiting others around them. It happens to all of us by all kinds of people in our lives. I notice sometimes that I am inhabited by my best friend while I'm cooking, I'm inhabited by my parents when I am making important decisions, or sometimes I'm inhabited by my Dad while I paint. It's just something that happens to us humans, we get filled with the spirit of other people when it comes down to doing something important to us. You carry significant people with you all the time, it just happens.

And I saw that happen on Saturday night. That entire place was filled, pouring out in fact, with Levon's energy. These musicians didn't let it get them down, there was no melancholy or disappointment in that barn, even on the part of the audience. If anything the band played better, because this time they weren't playing with Levon, they were playing for him. These artists know they don't have anything to prove to us. All the best musicians in that room were on the stage that night, but it just seemed like they brought a little something special that night. Like perhaps when they found out that Levon wasn't going to be on stage with them that night, there was a collective understanding within the troop that they were going to make this an unforgettable ramble regardless. His daughter Amy sings at all the Midnight Rambles, and this woman's voice is magnificent, as is the other back up singer, Teresa Williams. Their version of the Dead tune 'Atticks' is absolutely chilling. It's a once in a lifetime experience, people come from all over the country and the world even to see these people perform, and they did not let us down.

Something that means ALOT to me when I go see live music is the response of the audience. Now, I don't know if it had anything to do with the fact that I personally knew the majority of the people around me, and therefore just thought every one was really just terrific, but that energy was palpable. A friend and I were able to marvel the next day at how for most of the show, the 17(or 18?) of us were all hanging over the second story balcony, and that no matter where you looked around the room, we were all able to see each other and share in the experience. It didn't matter if this was your second or third time there, each time feels as special as the first one.

So although no Levon, I still thought the night(and the weekend as a whole) was pretty great. Lots of fun was had in the RV, many a delicious vegan cupcake was eaten, many drinks were drank and we collectively had a really awesome, very epic time together. I didn't even have a hangover. It's a total privilege to get to do these kinds of things and I really try to not take that for granted. The count down to Xmas still continues, but for me, Xmas happened days ago.

16 Days Till Xmas

I took part in decorating my first real Xmas tree in about 10 years last night.

My disdain for Xmas began a long time ago, in the very home that I was raised to love Xmas. When I was about 16, my mother and I collectively said fuck it to the decorating of Xmas trees. 'It's too messy' she would say, 'And what about the cats?' I would throw in. My father fumed, stomped around, made that weird awful scrunched up angry face that he does and declared that he would not let us Jews ruin his Xmas, and that he would get his own damn tree, drag the huge box of ornaments out from the depths of the storage room and decorate it himself. Yeah, it never happened.

And I was perfectly happy to not decorate the tree. I did not miss it at all, and on Xmas morning, gifts still appeared. My mom has since bought this funny little flat tree that you hang up on the wall. You can put a handful of ornaments on it, and it lights up and everything. She may or may not still put it up.

So last night was tree decorating time at Adam's family's house. These people like Xmas so I kept my opinions to myself last night, and needless to say, pretty much enjoyed myself. We even went and picked out a tree together. Now I understand that this is normal tradition for family's to do, but that was never anything that we did when I was little. Heres how it went down every year: The door would fly open (usually pretty late at night), there would be some cursing and yelling, the telltale sound of a tree being dragged across the living room floor, followed by the hum of a vacuum cleaning up the pine needly mess. And I don't think I'd be lying if I said that the tree would potentially go for days without being attended to with ornaments.

Now what I did enjoy about decorating the tree about a day or two later was that we would BLAST THE SHIT out of the Mariah Carey Xmas album. Now that is a quality album, and if you are detecting any sarcasm here, you are sorely mistaken my friend, because that lady has pipes for days and has done nothing but improve upon Xmas music, in my opinion.

So out we were last night, in the frigid night air of December, bundled up and wandering around a maze of Xmas trees. We all darted out, hoping to the be first to find the most perfect specimen, not too tall (which was tough because all of the trees at this particular place were enormous mutants!), just perfectly bushy without too many weird extra limbs sticking out the top. And guess who found it bitches! ME!!! Got my picture taken with it and everything. We went home, I had a lot to drink, and the for most part, watched them decorate the tree. I helped a little, but I'm not going to pretend like I liked it!

; )

Just a lil elf getting high

And here's a painting about some fried pickles

Fried pickles from Silly's in Portland Maine

19 Days Till Xmas

I have an unusual number of Xmas-y obligations this season.

This week alone, I am decorating a Xmas tree with my boyfriends family and having a small, intimate crafting get together with my peeps to make Xmas ornaments. And I'm quite sure there is more Xmas-y junk to do in the weeks ahead. But you know what I haven't yet even begun to consider? Buying gifts. Ughhhhhhhhh. Believe me, I wish I had all the money in the world so I could buy everyone everything they deserve. And heres something unexpected about a girl who complains the shit out of Xmas and having to get people things...I tend to go overboard. I tend to spend way way way more than I possibly should, because I want to make everyone happy. This year....not so sure if I care so much. And I'm soooo tired of everyone suggesting ways to make my season brighter. What ever people.

But ahoy, good news ahead!

This has been by far the best Monday in a while. I kind of hate Mondays. It's the day when everyone else goes on and like has a life and shit and I'm just stuck at home, trying to talk myself into going to the noon spin class with the instructor that I don't like. Monday is usually just a big ball of tears for me from the beginning to the end. Its the day I use to make all my phone calls, begging for more time on deferments, trying to get better health insurance coverage without having to spend any money, glossing over craigslist every half hour or so to see what other bullshit job I can apply for...

It began with a phone call this morning from a man who said he had been 'passed my resume' and was interested, and within 30 seconds of his introduction was already pulling the 'tell me more about yourself, Hayley...'. And I paused, because he had woken me up and I was confused. I asked him, trying not to laugh, what the job was. All I heard was 'blah blah blah we sell benefit packages blah blah blah'. I simply said no thanks and got off the phone.

Now I know it sounds crazy for a person without a job, who is complaining about not having a job, to deny someone who is trying to offer me a job. But seriously...I don't even own the types of clothes that you need to wear to these kinds of...offices? cubicles? I don't know, where does corporate american even function? Afflak tried to pull the same game on me, and after much consideration, I just cant do it, no matter how pretty and glossy the testimonials on their websites are from "real people" talking on the screen...Jenny, the former weight lifter who has loved working for Afflak since 1998 because she loves helping people, or Ted, the former basketball coach who found his true calling in insurance sales...it's just not me. I can't do it.

Heres the good news...I have a meeting with Boston Needle Point on Wednesday, they're looking for a painter who's good with acrylics, thats me! Also on Wednesday, I'm heading to a tattoo shop in Amesbury to hopefully hang up some paintings.

Nothing huge, but not to bad for a Monday.

20 Days Till Xmas

I spent some time in Rockport Mass this weekend. Its an historic, picturesque little town with a prime location on the North Shore. The Bearskin Neck of Rockport is a perfectly quaint place...a piece of land that extends out into the Atlantic Ocean, lined with small shops and a small main drag that is more occupied by pedestrians than automobiles. This is the kind of town that really, really gets into the Xmas spirit.

I've often wondered how people in warmer places even celebrate Xmas. Xmas is supposed to be cold, preferably covered in snow, starring a fat man in a red suit far too cozy, snug and warm to be worn in say...Nevada. Do malls in Nevada even do the whole Santa thing? I wonder. I fell into a conversation with a passerby while in Rockport. We were brought together by that favorite American topic, the weather. While lamenting on the flurries of the morn, she told me about a time she lived through the holiday season in Florida, where the excesses of the Xmas season(like the kind we here in New England are immersed in from the day after Thanksgiving till New Years) were almost hard to come by. Perhaps I should move to Florida.

But I must admit, the Xmas Carolers in Rockport were lovely. The fact that Santa Claus arrived on a boat yesterday was really kind of charming. And it was nice to see that the Bear Skin Neck was alive with something at this frigid time of year, even if it was that damned Holiday Spirit.

Happy 5th night of Hanukah!

22 Days Till Xmas

I lit my menorah backwards last night. I guess it had been a while. Feeling all proud and accomplished after being guilted by mother for not lighting it the first night, I was quick to post this picture to facebook, only to be told I had gotten it wrong. Thanks Mom! You light and start your candles from right to left, not left to right....got it?

But it still made me happy to do it, I even think I remember most of the prayer correctly... Who am I kidding, it sounded like yiddish jibberish and I would be totally horrified to have said it along side an actual Jew who knew what they were doing. I'm a terrible, terrible Jew. (As though a blog dedicated to a countdown to xmas wasn't evidence enough...)

23 Days Till Xmas

I realized last night that I have never really had any idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I've given a lot of things a shot. House painting, decorative painting, personal assistant, dog walker, retail, waitressing, scenic painting. I've had vague notions of wanting to be an artist, however, I am to practical a person to be 'an artist'. I will always be an artist. I will always make work(because I must!), have a studio space, but to be an artist for a living?

I made my living for a year as a decorative painters assistant. That was the closest I've ever come to really being a 'professional artist'. And I was. I was really quite good at what I did, and I did it with a lot of love and professionalism. But I didn't get enough time to see it through. After only a year, and a quick year, I was laid off. I can't break off on my own with the knowledge I have. I needed more time. And those jobs don't just fall out of the sky. It was a fluke that I got it in the first place, and that my boss was willing to take a chance on me.

I've thought about teaching for a living. I've also thought about sitting in the park and making balloon animals and selling them for $1 a piece. I even bought the balloons and the air pump. But you know what? I don't know how to make balloon animals. And I don't know how to teach either.

Which brings me to a question I've been asking myself a lot lately...What exactly did I go to school for? I seriously don't know how to do anything. I can make a painting. I can do a little bit of screen printing. I can sit in a crit and talk about art work. I have a fairly solid understanding of art history. I can write a good paper. But what did I learn how to do? I'm thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, and I am not qualified to do a damn thing.

But you know what I can do? I can make one helluva chocolate peanut butter cupcake.

One helluva chocolate peanut butter cupcake

Thats right, awesome vegan cupcakes on an awesome owl platter.

24 days till Xmas

Another day, another anxiety attack

The idea of keeping this blog is kind of terrifying. I'm a big Mike Birbiglia fan, so I'm going to think of this blog as my secret public journal.

Yesterday was a dark day. I didn't leave the house once. Fortunately my boyfriend was home…or unfortunately depending on how you choose to look at it. While it was nice to have him there to hug me and tell me its going to all be okay, it was quite embarrassing to have him see first hand just how desperate I am when I'm home alone all day. Being unemployed is not all its cracked up to be. Some days I get a lot done…besides obviously scouring the internet for a job and or job ideas…I might go to a spin class, paint for up to 10 hours, email various possible employers, listen to hours of podcasts (I really try to avoid sitting in front of the TV during the day), make some soup, grocery shopping, you know, just do a few things to give me some kind of a semblance of a day, where I have a real life and things need to get done. Yesterday was not that kind of day. I even got back into bed at one point, mid day! I never do that.

But today, I knew today would be different. I can't just sit around feeling sorry for myself, and I really don't think I do. Other than being jobless, I have a great life and lots of support. Many people have it much worse than me, and I know that. But I really do miss feeling important and necessary. At my last job, even though I was working in multi million dollar homes and barely made enough to eat lunch most days, I still felt good about what I was doing. I was using my hands, wielding a paint brush, I had a feeling of authority! I knew what I was doing. I had direction. I was using my skills. The background of this blog is there to remind me that I once did do something that I loved, maybe I can get back to that place again.

Anyway, I made vegan chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter frosting today for my friend Jon's birthday. I'll put up a picture later. I'll leave you with this little painting I finished on Monday. It's called 'You only have one mouth'

25 Days Till Xmas

25 days till Xmas used to mean something overwhelmingly gratifying to me. It was a day I looked forward to, even counted down to. A day when the impossible happened…when my parents would give me things that I wanted but did not need. And while Xmas meant free presents for me, I always knew that it(Xmas) never actually meant anything. From an early age I knew Santa was bullshit. I'm the confused product of two people who could careless about properly educating their kids about religion - an Irish father who once locked himself in the bathroom with a baby me to baptize me as my new-agey-Jewish mother hollered on the other side for him to cut it out. You really think I actually believe in anything?

And as I got older I began to understand a few things about Xmas, the darker side of Xmas if you will. Xmas meant my parents were likely fighting over who was going to pay for the presents. And/or they were scrounging to make it happen in the first place. One year my mother spelled out to me how much could be spent per child on Xmas. I felt guilty. Having worked for both of them, I know what my parents have to do, how long they have to wait, or how hard they have to work, to make what they make. And I also know that December is the WORST MONTH OF THE YEAR for both of my parents' small businesses. Why did I need "presents"? Presents for what? I've done my best, in my few years of having my own money, to lavish my family in gifts. And by 'lavish' I mean I've filled my mom's stocking to the brim with lip gloss and her favorite chocolates, maybe a pair of pajamas and the occasional home run gift…like last year I bought my parents a web cam so that we could Skype(How thoughtful of me!). I know I won't top it this year. And what the hell are you supposed to get Dads anyway? Dads don't like 'things'. They strictly want expensive high-def flatscreen TVs and saving money on the heating bill. I moved out, wasn't that enough??

Now don't get me wrong. I know I sound like a big scroogette. And you know what? Maybe I am. Maybe I freaking hate the shit out of Xmas. But you know what I do love? Thanksgiving. A day when my family is completely devoted to being together(whether we want to or not), we make way more food that we're going to eat, drink way more than we need to, there's occasionally crying involved, and we usually go to bed early, full and content. Or full of contempt. Depends on the year. Regardless, I really do look forward to Thanksgiving. It brings us together with family members we don't see to often, and friends of the family that I don't see often enough. And whats better than the night before Thanksgiving? (Probably a lot of things, but I still like getting wasted and telling people I haven't seen in a while lies about my life. Because when I said I was doing great, I was fucking joking.)

So anyway, back to 25 days till Xmas. I'm beginning this blog because I learned something very special about Xmas day today. On Xmas day, my unemployment benefits will run up. Today, the big guys in Washington decided not to extend unemployment benefits in 2011. It's just to expensive. So on Xmas day, I will receive my very last benefit check. But seriously, how awesome of a Xmas present is that? Bring on the presents!

Now I don't want it to seem like I'm hating Xmas for the hell of it. I dislike it for its stress inducing expectations that everyones going to get what they want and its all going to be okay. I'm already okay. I have what I need. I have a feeling you have what you need, too. Can't we just celebrate Thanksgiving again? Why do we always need things??!?

I also found out today that I did not get a job that I was really hoping for. Probably the first job I had actually applied for that I really, truly wanted. A job that I would have really liked. It was one of the only hopeful things I've had to think about for the past week, I really thought I had it. But these things happen(or don't happen?) for a reason, right?

I've decided to keep a blog about this. My last twenty five days in the societal safety net that is Unemployment Insurance, while simultaneously counting down to my most favorite day, Xmas. I need somewhere that I can vent my frustration over my completely useless and very expensive degree. Perhaps in the next week I'll have good news that I've found a job. Or that I've had an epiphany and I am pursuing a new career. Or maybe I'll just post about a painting I'm working on, something interesting that I hear about on NPR, this awesome sandwich that I made, or maybe I'll just post about my dreams, which are getting stranger and stranger, because I'm going insane. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find my Xmas spirit along the way.

Till tomorrow…