Its here

1 hour and 21 minutes into Xmas.

Its been a few days since I've complained about Xmas.

I had a bit of a break down a few days ago. I realized that through all of my kermudgeonry, I wasn't doing anyone a favor, myself included.

I started to panic a couple of days ago and feared that I was being a bratty, inconsiderate, selfish person for hating Xmas and exuding my negative hate feelings toward Xmas all over the place. And for a moment, I really thought myself the worst person alive.

You know you're being a dick about Xmas when you walk into a room and someone you haven't seen in a while takes a quick look at you and goes 'bahhhhhumbug."

And I realize this is the message I send to people, so I don't know why I'm surprised.

I truly want people to believe I think highly of Xmas. For the past week I haven't been able to keep myself from wishing others a Merry Xmas or Happy Holidays, every freaking cashier I go to, I wish them a happy holidays before giving the chance to wish me one. I sent out Xmas cards, come on!

So I'm going to stop, stop being overly fresh and negative over Xmas, and I decided this a couple of days ago, so don't think I'm too far behind the game. I'm going to enjoy these next couple of days...some how...some way.

One of my most favorite lines of Xmas that I've heard in the past few days was a line said by Jane Lynch from Glee, in a scene in which she plays the Xmas villain, she claims, in her devilish tone, "I may hate Xmas, but I love presents..." as she steals the presents from what ever disenfranchised group she's battling and exits scene....

I'm not going to pretend that I watch Glee, I didn't actually see this show, but I heard the clip on some other TV show, and it just cracked me up. Thats the villain version of me! Because for as much as I've hated Xmas, I love gifts, I do! I'm the Xmas asshole!

And I LOVED exchanging gifts with my BF and her mom last night. I've been very strict about only giving out handmade things this year, and so far, so good, everyone seems happy with what they've got so lets see how the rest of Xmas goes. And otherwise, I've gotten some great things in return, no doubt!

So whatever, giving getting blah blah blah...

...who even cares. This has been a very hard Xmas for me. I'm jobless, I'm a bit hopeless, I'm absolutely freaking out, and for the first time ever in my entire life, I'm not going to be waking up at my parents house on the morning of Xmas. I'm entering whole new territory here. I'm not coming down the stairs. I'm not going to bed early in anxious anticipation for the day to come. I'm not drinking mamosa's and eating pillsbury crescent roles with my family(its tradition). And I'm not going with them to the movies tomorrow either. Its the one thing we've always done and really enjoyed together ('enjoyed' can be substituted for 'tolerated' and 'endured' here, but for the past few years we've done okay). Tonight, although very fun in its own way, was nothing like any other Xmas eve I've ever had. I'm having a hard time accepting its Xmas, to be honest.

But I know its Xmas, come on. I've done so many Xmasy things over the past couple days its absurd. I've been busy in fact, with Xmasy things. Xmas partys, Xmas cards, Xmas ornament crafting, decorating Xmas trees, making Xmas cupcakes, wrapping Xmas presents, making Xmas presents, making my Xmas casserole, opening Xmas cards, writing on my Xmas blog. I've never done more Xmas shit in my life! Xmas. Xmas. Xmas. Its every where I look.

So here it is.

Merry Xmas, you.

3 Days Till Xmas

10 Things I Have Learned

Over the Past Month

1. Finding a job around Xmas is impossible.

This is so freaking obvious that I'm kind of embarrassed to be starting with it, but its the truth!

I've never been in the position of having to look for a job this time of year, so I had no idea. When you're already out of your mind over not being able to find a job for as long as I have, you begin to lose sight of what is really up against you. The problem is that there is the illusion that there are all these jobs available right now, but my problem is that I am neither 17 or a crackhead, so that seasonal position at KB toys wont really work out for me.

2. Supermarkets are run by teenagers.

What in the hell is going on here? I accidentally found myself in a Market Basket on a Sunday just recently, and after being ignored by several of the staff, misdirected in my search for molasses by another, nearly mowed down by a child in a uniform pushing a flat bed cart full of cookies on my way to the checkout, only to be called "ma'am" by a mouth full of braces at the register, it all became painfully clear. Supermarkets are run by kids. The implications of this are horrifying and disgusting and I am just grateful that I do not eat things that come from behind the deli counter.

3. I actually rather enjoy baking cupcakes.

Evidence is that I am broke as hell but was still able to convince myself that I needed to buy the fancy tip set for decorating. A side note to this:

4. I think I'm officially an adult because I can make the cupcake batter and the frosting without eating the equivalent of three cupcakes before the batter hits the pan and the frosting has been piped. Furthermore, I was able to throw out the left over frosting, instead of convincing myself that it was worthy of being saved so it could be had as a snack later on that night.

5. I honestly have no idea what kind of job I'm looking for.

I've belabored this point too many times on this blog to get into the depressing details of it now, but it needed to be said.

6. Being unemployed and looking for work is a full time job.

If you've ever been in this position, you know what I'm talking about. If you're out of the loop, I'm going to just leave you there, you privileged jerk.

7. The average housewife can kick my ass.

One of the upsides to this whole unemployment thing is all the time I now have to go to the gym - who knew I'd love spin so much? I did a body conditioning class last week, and I've assumed that because I work out as often as I do, I'm therefore in terrific shape. Not so, because as it turns out I've been living in a fools paradise my friends. For an hour last Thursday, I gasped, throbbed, buckled and shook with fear as I lunged, curled and squatted my muscles into submission, while all the other ladies(moms!) were gliding, smiling and bouncing around to the beat. I felt great in the end, but holy shit did I look like a chump.

8. Scramble for iPhone is powerfully addicting.

Just saying.

9. The Talk is an awful show, and a terrible, terrible reflection on women. Sometimes while I dine on lunch I'll switch gears from out of my studio/dungeon and into the living room/dungeon to indulge in a little bit of the boob, and I'll admit I have watched small bits of The Talk. I'm mostly interested in seeing what it's all about because it's such a blatant rip off (or "answer to" if you want to be nice) of The View, of which I am very much a huge fan. The View is funny. It has very good, quality guests. One of the hosts is easily the most amazing lady in journalism, and another is one of the most prolific women in show business, and at any rate, all of them are intelligent and funny in their own right. What the hell does The Talk have? Scientologist-crazy-pants Leah Remini? Who-ever-the-hell-some-basketball-players wife? And I don't even care that Sarah Gilbert is a lesbian, she is BORING. A show for moms by moms! BORING! They are whiney about the mundane, but they are not funny when they do it. When you break it down, all these woman talk about is how they've spoiled their children and don't know how to undo it, how its okay (and their RIGHT!) to look at their husbands texts messages, rule their mens lives, and how the only 'them-time that their men are allowed' is the thoughts they have in between their ears. "Yeah, I guess thats okay" was Leah Remini's thoughts on that last statement, I guess in admitting defeat over her hopes to dominate other peoples thoughts. These women are terrible. They do not reflect well what I believe and hope most modern women are about. Not even Joan Osbourne has the power to lift this show up from the dregs that it has deposited itself into. I want this show to fail and I want it to fail bad. Come on ladies, please stop watching this show, please? I won't do it again either, I promise.

10. In spite of how much I bitch and hate my current situation, I do not regret a thing about any of the decisions I've made that have put me in this place.

I mull over the 'what-ifs' every once in a while. What if I went to school for something different? Or if I had worked a little harder and had gotten into the college that I actually wanted to go to? Or if I had done the smart thing and had moved home after school to save money...honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.

Everything I've done has put me in this spot, and while sometimes it sucks, a lot of the time, I'm really happy with my life. I've always believed that the people you surround yourself with are going to be a lot more important to you in the long run than any career you could have had. And while its very much important for me to find a job that I like, I'm already really ahead of the game because I've found a lot of good people in this world that I'm in. From Huntington Long Island to the fine suburb of North Reading Massachusetts, I've found a lot of wonderful friends along the way. I'm with a man that I'm crazy about, I have a family that is beyond compare, and an extended family of friends that I hold onto dearly. Jobs will come and go, and this is probably not going to be the last time I'm going to be unemployed in my life, but the support and the folks I have will never change (I hope! I'm really trying hard to not do that thing where I drink till I blackout and embarrass everyone in the room any more, I swear! thats the old me!).

And as explicit and uncomfortable as it is sometimes to say these fears I have out loud, it does help to talk to people about it, and I'm so grateful that people have been listening. At holiday party #2 this weekend, a friend(whose 'been there') kindly sat with me throughout the loud chaos of the party and talked me down from my ledge and I think convinced me that things will be okay, and I think I actually do believe her.

10 1/2. I think I'm going to be just fine.

At least until I decide otherwise tomorrow.

Anyone learn anything good this year?

4 Days Till Xmas

Like I said in my last post, I had (in spite of myself) a very good time at a holiday party. Several in fact...kind of to hung over to enjoy the third one, but I refuse to think about the future when I drink.

Our hostess with the mostess did a really impressive job of utilizing space, I had serious doubts that we would all fit so seamlessly around a table in her kitchen, but behold, she even trusted us with real silverware. The candles were a lovely touch.

How awesome is that gingerbread house? The only ginger bread house I ever made was in the middle of summer at Camp Alvernia during a thunderstorm(that is weird, right?), and it looked absolutely nothing like that. Kudos to Lisa. And the cake was fab, thanks Lauren for making it vegan

: )

We played a very high stakes holiday game. It involved chocolate so I was out for blood. I did not win.

And then "All I Want For Xmas is You" came on by Mariah Carey and I lost my shit. But so did a couple of other people so I was able to share the embarrassment with several others. I don't just pull out the big voice for anything, and I certainly almost never do it in public, but this was for Mariah. And I had a lot of holiday punch floating around inside of me, I can't be trusted around songs that I know the lyrics to when I'm in that state.

My friends make me feel fuzzy inside. Sometimes they make me look fuzzy, too.

So yes, I'll admit it....it kind of lifted my Xmas spirit, but the moment was fleeting. By the next day I hated it(Xmas) all over again, and I'm only now feeling the residual effects of happy Xmasness again as a result of looking back at the photos. It did me some good, if only for a night. If only we could do that again over and over till the actual day, I'd be okay this week. But my friend threw an awesome party, and a room filled my favorite people is never ever a bad thing, no matter what the reason is for bringing us together.

4 more days left, I feel like this post is kind of disappointing, I've had nothing really terrible to say about Xmas. I'll just leave it with these pictures of a really awful gifts for little girls. I'm so grateful to not be a child this year.

5 More Days Till Xmas

With only five days left until Xmas, it is hard to ignore the fact that Xmas is actually going to happen. In the past two days I've been to three holiday parties (all within 24 hours no less, yeah I feel just great right now), at which I had many a conversation with people talking about the trials and tribulations of gift shopping.

You bunch of sad sorry suckers.

I'm going to get through this by being very open about the fact that I am not going to participate in the consumer end of this holiday, in hopes that by avoiding that stress I will actually enjoy it. Don't get wrong, I do in fact have 'things' that I will be handing over to a select few, good old, home made things. Take'em or leave'em people, its all I got. And while all you delusional holiday freaks are out there waiting on lines that circle the store, putting your life on the line in hysterical crowded stampedes at the mall, and fashionably going broke with every swift swipe of your credit and debit cards, I'll be sitting here eating bon bons.

Alright so I'm going to just come out right now and say that I am definitely not sitting around eating bon bons. I'm not even really sure what bon bons are. But I am definitely dedicated to not going crazy this year. I'm just not going to do it, and I don't care how it comes off.

Hayley 1, Xmas 0

But you know what really rocked this weekend? Holiday parties. Good job people, good times.

7 More Days Till Xmas

7 more days.

When I began this I was certain that unemployment would run up in conjunction with Xmas. While I'm relieved to have been allotted an extension on my miserable unemployed existence, I also really thought that by now, maybe I'd be reporting that I have a job.

The thing about this whole unemployment thing is not so much about money as it just is about a feeling of usefulness. Spoons are more useful than I am. Spoons have a purpose. I wish I was a spoon.

I change my mind on my plans for the future at least three times a day. I no longer announce my big ideas to people, because I know it will just change in a day or so anyway, if not even sooner.

And its really, really hard to give a shit about Xmas when I feel this way. For the past few years I've been harboring this ill will toward Xmas. And I've put on the mean face, I've sworn it off, to hell with it! But you know what? I'd still be in the thick of it with everyone else in December, at least as a consumer, and come the big day, I'd be into it. I did a first for myself this year which was to send out Xmas cards, but they're so anti Xmas that I almost feel bad for having sent them(but actually, I think they're adorable and if you can't appreciate a little bit of holiday sarcasm than we probably shouldn't be friends). So I hope people can handle the sentiment. I'm just having a hard time getting into the spirit. And I've never noticed as much as I have this year that other people REALLY like Xmas. Everyone really likes Xmas. I'm just the black sheep of Xmas I guess.

I am, however, very excited for the cluster of holiday parties I have coming up in the next two days. One of which features some of my life time buds, my girls, and there is nothing more cathartic for me than to see them and be with them, even if only in short bursts a handful of times a year. I like weekends, they treat me well. When all else fails, at least I have my people. Its the thing about the holidays that I will surrender to loving, it brings us all together.

I am the black sheep of Xmas time.

9 Days Till Xmas

Ughhh.

So I thought I had this job.

And I did. I like, actually, for a couple of days, had a job....a real, live job.

But now, officially, decidedly as of a couple of hours ago...I've let it go.

Just listen.....

A week ago I met with the very nice folks at Knit & Needle Point on Newbury Street in Boston. This is like totes my thing...it's a place that is run by this sweet middle aged lady, Mary Jo, and her friend, or her sister, maybe her cuz or her twin for all I know, Joan. They're really nice ladies, they talk absurdly loud (borderline screaming), they're excitable, very rambunctious kinda gals. Totally my kind of women! Anyway...I went in there, after a bit of emailing and applied for the artist position. For all of you not-so-versed in needle point..what happens when you get a needle point kit is they hand you all of your threads in various colors, along with a piece of mesh that is hand painted with a design that you sew your threads into to make your needle point piece. Where I come into play is that I would be the one painting said designs onto the mesh, got me? So I'm thinking: KILLER!!! I can paint like the day is long, this is terrific, fantastic work for Ms. Hays to be doing, I'm gonna kill it! And I did, because I got the job.

The first time I went in there, they handed me a lil sample of a snowman, it was a xerox piece of paper of a mesh with a design on it, so they gave me an actual piece of mesh and wanted me to copy the design on, in the appropriate colors, to give back to them, to show them what I'm made of. And I did it *perfectly* and handed it back to them. Now, this lil snow man took me roughly an hour and twenty minutes to complete. And while doing it, I'm thinking about what this kit actually costs and what they could possibly afford to pay an artist to do it...and I began to get.....nervous.

So I go in the next day and hand it to Mary Jo. She's like, totes impressed, as she should be, cause it was *perfect*. Something that needs to be explained: think about a very fine piece of mesh, now think about every square needing to be painted the exact color, down to a count, so that it can be executed by a very non creative individual that needs a very precise thing to follow (And I say this as someone who grew up doing cross stitch, which is a very non-creative art form, which I loved, because I'm a freak that enjoys doing tedious, sometimes non thoughtful things with her hands....).

She tells me that its fab, and asks me to come back on Monday. I get a call the next day on Friday, from her husband who runs the store with her. He says that they're very impressed, would like to hire me for the artist position, and that I should come in for a meeting on Tuesday with Mary Jo and Joan so I can talk about some projects. Being the inquisitive, perhaps rude gal that I am, I immediately question about compensation. He tells that will all be addressed at the meeting. So I wonder....

Now everyone who I ask about the compensation issue tells me to go in with a compensation price that I expect/desire. But I know better...see I have enough sense to understand that these kits are sold at a very specific price, and that therefore there will be a very set scale at which they are willing to pay their artists to complete each project. I do not go in with any expectations, only an understanding of what they say goes...so I ready myself. Now I also reasoned with myself all weekend, knowing that they would probably not pay me well for the piece I had completed the other day in an hour and twenty minutes...but hell, if I got to, I will learn how to do it quickly, and before I know it, I'll be pumping these things out and I'l be making money hand over fist (I didn't really believe this, but I often tell myself a lot of things that I never actually truly believe...call it denial...what ever)

So the big day comes, Tuesday morning, I have a 9:30 meeting. (and if you've ever been on unemployment, you know that getting an actual interview or any kind of meeting is a big freaking deal from a potential employer).The first sign that this was not going to work out should have been my car not starting. I've never had this happen to me. I got my car (not new, but in very good shape) a lil less than 2 months ago. And its not starting? Even my car knew that this job was bullshit and it was trying to persuade my otherwise. Fortunately my boyfriend had taken a few days off, so I had the back up Taurus on my side. So we sailed into Boston we did, and found a parking spot right outside!

I go in. Now, these ladies, which I will still say, no matter what the outcome of this harried situation, I like ALOT. They're kinda cartoon characters. They talk very loud. Their lives are about a completely non essential crafting hobby. I just think they're sweet. I want to make them cup cakes as I go in and let them down that I'm not going to take the job.

Mary Jo gives me the skinny on the pay scale. It kind of sucks but she explains that when she gives me an ornament that she will only pay me $8 to paint, that she will be asking me to paint 10 of them, so at least its a decent work load (so think $80 for all ten of them...meh?). But this time, she's going to give me 7 different little projects to work on, ranging from $8 to $28, just to see what I'm made of, and to return them on Thursday afternoon before she leaves for a two week vacation. And I'm just like...okay................She also mentions that if I learn to knit, I can work in the shop two days a week...the deal is sounding sweeter? I don't know, maybe they were like pumping pure oxygen into this place or something. It all sounded okay while I was in there.

So after a lot of explanations about what is expected out of the individual pieces and what they need from me, I leave with a shopping bag full of embroidery floss (for color matching) and rolls of mesh to work with to complete my projects.

I don't quite settle into my work until about mid afternoon. I became derailed with Xmas cards and the like (I know, I cannot believe I'm sending out Xmas cards either, but they're hand designed!). Any who, by the time I'm ready to hit the gym and do my own shit for the day, I've only completed one design, and it was by far the most easiest design to do. Along the way I find a few short cuts to make the next design a little bit easier to lay out, but still, there were several hours involved in making this happen. For ten fuckin bucks!

Disgruntled, I go on to have many hard drinks that evening at the Mexican restaurant that my man decided to take me out to that night. God bless Adam.

I get home, spend two plus more hours of my life working on and completing a ten dollar project. This still feels like its not quite panning out.

Not quite completely discourage, I jump back exuberantly on the horse again today, I mean come on, I have a job to do! But this is where I broke people. This is where it all became crystal fucking clear. This job, is bogus.

I spent three hours today. Three very frustrating, annoyed hours, trying to complete a twelve dollar project. I messed up three times. The first one, I was nearly forty minutes into. The second one, probably about thirty minutes into. You can't mess up on these things. There is no erasing, just doing over completely. So I had to keep starting over. And when it was completed, three hours later, it didn't even completely resemble the original design that was handed to me. That was when the shit hit the fan. When I walked out into the living room from my room to tell Adam that the movie he was watching (that I had to listen to through the walls) was a fucking waste of time, I gave him the evil eye. I gave myself the evil eye. I was ready to give any motherfucker that crossed my path the dirtiest damn look I could. I was ready to shave my own freaking head cause I was mad at my hair cut.

This is when I realized that this job was not such a hot idea. And after much consulting with some very wise ladies this evening, my momma and my Aims included, I've decided that tomorrow I will decline the offer...before I get in to deep.

So there goes that idea. Back to the drawing board.

Oh, and nine more glorious fucking days till Xmas. I can't fucking wait.